How do we build deeper connections with others? We know it’s key 🔑 to a long happy life – but how do we connect deeply with others if we’ve spent years afraid to let people in?
I spent the majority of my young adult life running away from deep connection.
They’re just not “my type” of people.
I don’t fit in with them.
They don’t get me.
They aren’t nice.
She’s mean, I don’t trust her.
I don’t think she likes me.
I told myself I was using “good judgment” – after all, no one likes getting burned by friends, family members, or anyone else. So having strict standards on who to let into my life was a way to protect myself from mean people….or was it?
As I got older, I started seeing my loved ones around me easily connecting with the same people who I had written off as “unkind” or “mean” and soon I had to face the fact that the problem might be me.
The truth was, I was so terrified of being hurt by others that I was robbing myself of deep connections with others.
So how was I going to recalibrate my friendship compass and actually start connecting with others? 🧭
Because the truth is, most people are good.
Most people could be great friends, even if they aren’t perfect. But you’ve got to give them a chance.
Let’s dive into it. 🌊
Strategy 1: Stop Being So Hard On Yourself
Whenever I’m out in the world and I see someone make a nasty comment to a stranger, I can’t help but think how mean that person must be to themselves in their own head.
Bear with me on this. ⏳
People who are short-tempered with others are even more short-tempered with themselves. People who are hard on others are even harder on themselves.
When I first started letting my guard down to connect with more people, I had to realize that I had really high standards on other people.
I had a list of pet peeves and I often chose solitude over dealing with the “messiness” of other people.
But wait…that was because I was ultra-hard on myself. And I was super self-conscious about my quirks that other people might find annoying. Classic projection. 🪞
Learning how to show up as myself without trying so hard to be perfect was a huge load off. And being more patient with my own imperfections led to feeling way more patient with the messy humanness of others.
Win-Win. Can you relate?
So what does cutting yourself some slack look like?
💬You said something socially awkward?➡️ Yeah, it happens.
💬You spilled on yourself while talking? ➡️Oh man, but whatevs.
💬You made a joke and only one person laughed?➡️ Cool, one person connected with you!
The sun will still rise tomorrow regardless of how imperfect people witnessed you being today.
Strategy 2: RBFs work (accidentally)
I have a RBF (Resting Bitch Face). I’m almost sure I subconsciously developed it to repel people from approaching me*
*because less people connecting with me meant less people rejecting me 🤓
But the problem with RBFs is they work and if you want people to actually start connecting you, they can’t be scared of you to begin with!
There is a mom at my daughters’ gymnastics class who has the *~scariest~* vibe. She always looks pissed and – in my mind – looks like she thinks she’s better than us.
The reality? She’s probably shy and subconsciously wearing an RBF for the same reason I sometimes do. 🤷🏻♀️
But seeing her RBF and how it makes me feel, I can imagine how I sometimes present myself to others.
We’ve all been introduced to someone who doesn’t smile, shakes our hand, and immediately looks away. What message do we receive?
❌ I’m not interested in you, I just shook your hand because I had to. ❌
Even if you are seriously nervous in social situations, try to smile a bit more, or…at least uncross your arms.
You may look way more like a badass than you realize, and people who deep-down want to be your friend might be afraid of you! 😎
Strategy 3: Plan a Gathering with a Purpose
My favorite way to get to know people is to host something small in my own comfort zone where we are actively doing something. This helps you get to know people without realizing you’re doing it.
Hosting something small and low effort is a great way to show people that you are interested in connecting with them, and having a shared activity is a great way to bypass awkward small-talk and waiting around.
In my old neighborhood, my husband and I used to host rooftop movie nights for the neighbor kids. We’d throw up a screen, set out some snacks, and play a Ghibli or Disney movie for whoever wanted to come – the focus was on the kids and the movie, but the connection with their parents was a low-pressure way to make connections.
🎥Host an Oscars night,
🎨Plan a craft night, or
📚Start a book club
Putting yourself out there by suggesting an activity is perfect because the primary focus isn’t on the socializing, but on the shared interest instead – the socializing is an added benefit that comes with it.
The best thing about this strategy is that people won’t accept unless they’re interested in the activity – this means you’ll already have something in common with the people who show up!
Strategy 4: Don’t Always Trust First Impressions
When you are recovering from being a voluntary hermit, you can’t always trust your gut reactions about people. 🙅🏻♀️
For years your defenses have been on alert telling you who you couldn’t trust, but if you are still reading this guide chances are you realize that your defenses may have been too good.
__________________________
Embarrassing Story Time 📚
I met my husband at a New Year’s Eve party – he was my cousin’s friend – and his first words to me were “what’s up, cheeks?” (I have big cheeks – now you know 🙃)
I couldn’t believe the audacity – in one sentence he pointed out my biggest face insecurity and then proceeded to go about his business, totally unaffected. Asshole! Right?
Well, I still married him and 15 years later I can confirm his comment wasn’t an indication of any character flaw…sometimes people just say and do weird things and we shouldn’t immediately write them off forever because of it. 🤷🏻♀️
__________________________
Intuition is real and gut reactions are real – I’m just saying let’s be careful not to throw out the baby with the bathwater. You know what I mean?
Maybe sometimes you can give people a second or third chance if they do something weird when you first meet them. Maybe they were just awkward and nervous.
Cutting people some slack on their first reactions also has the hidden benefit of giving YOU the opportunity to make a bad first impression from time to time. You’re human too, after all!
Strategy 5: Make Micro-Connections
Not every person you connect with will become your best friend – nor should they have to be.
You can “practice” connecting by acting warmly to strangers – your barista, your grocery store bagger, or the lady at the bank. With ZERO worries about long-term relationship pressures.
The more tiny interactions you have with others that are low-pressure, the more you realize that connecting with others isn’t as scary as you thought.
Most people are open to kindness and connection – even if it’s a 30 second interaction.
I’ve had strangers completely change the mood of my day by smiling or offering me some warm words. Haven’t you? You can totally be that person for someone else. 💗
When you are struggling to learn to connect with people deeply, practicing with people who you may never see again – people who don’t know anything about you – is the perfect place to practice and exercise your “connecting” muscles.
Also, there is a Universal Law that says whatever we put out we get back amplified. This means that putting out friendliness means you will be receiving friendliness. It’s universally guaranteed!
(By the way, you can use this Universal law to attract ANYTHING, and this is a post where I talk about how I accidentally manifested 500 euros using it).
Strategy 6: Look for Common Interests Quickly
Small talk is the bane of most of our existences – I think it’s the reason why so many of us avoid social gatherings where we don’t know many people. Those awkward pauses…
But a great way to “weed out” people we might not vibe with from our future friends is by seeking out social gatherings tied to a deep interest of ours.
If you are really into reading, a book club is setting you up to meet fellow book worms. 📚 If you love playing soccer, a pick up game at the park is a great place to find people who share interests with you. ⚽
You may not vibe with everyone that shows up, but at least you’ll have at least one thing in common that you can talk about with people.
If you find yourself at a more “generic” social gathering like a birthday party or a BBQ, listen for key moments in conversations that clue you into easy talking points.
➡️If someone mentions a movie you recently saw and loved, latch onto it and ask the person about how they liked it.
➡️If someone mentions being a reader, ask them what they’ve been reading.
Conversations flow more easily after you have a connecting moment and those moments can be tied to ANYTHING that makes you both remotely interested.
Strategy 7: When All Else Fails – Ask People About Themselves
There will be days when you just don’t feel super magnetic or charismatic. Maybe you’re physically not feeling well, or you are feeling insecure for one reason or another. This is human!
When you find yourself having to be social on a day when you are not very chatty use this 100% FAIL PROOF strategy for keeping the conversation moving: KEEP THE PERSON TALKING ABOUT THEMSELF.
🗣️Where did you go to school? Oh, did you like it?
🗣️I heard you went to Vietnam, how was it? What was your favorite food?
Basically, whatever information they are offering, ask them to expand on it.
People LOVE talking about themselves and usually like people who ask them to talk about themselves.
I have successfully survived social situations with strangers by using this technique. You can also use this strategy to deflect answering invasive questions too – ask me how I know. 🙃
Strategy 8: Celebrate Imperfect Interactions
This one is huge. If you can reframe awkward interactions as successes, you will relieve so much pressure off yourself.
I had to learn this strategy when I first moved abroad and was forced to have daily interactions in my second language. I was making mistakes left and right which meant drawing extra attention to myself (ugh) and it was unavoidable.
Could I remove my awkwardness in communicating my day to day needs? Not yet… I’m not fluent enough to blend in (and may never be). Does it matter? Eh, not really. IN FACT, it’s pretty brave to be an immigrant living life in your second language. 💪🏻
Applying the same principle to social situations is equally empowering.
✅ could stay home and have exactly ZERO awkward interactions today.
✅You could stay home forever and minimize your imperfect social interactions to nearly zero.
❌But would you have a life full of interesting stories? Nope.
❌Would you have a lot of friends? Probably not.
NOBODY likes feeling awkward.
NOBODY likes to be stared at when you’ve done something a little odd.
But does EVERYBODY know what that feels like? YES! Because it’s part of the human experience.
Instead of trying to remove all social awkwardness from your life, rebrand each awkward moment as you being brave and putting yourself out there. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Strategy 9: Practice Vulnerability in Small Doses
If you are a highly sensitive person and/or an introvert who prefers being home to being out in public – keep in mind that putting yourself out there is a massive act of vulnerability.
Allow yourself to take rests in between.
Your extroverted friends and family can overschedule themselves and survive (or maybe even thrive), but those of us whose batteries drain with every passing minute outside of our comfort zone cannot.
It’s in our wiring, and that’s perfectly ok.
Try to keep a mental tally of how much you are forcing yourself out of your comfort zone. Magic exists outside of the comfort zone ✨ – but forgetting to turn in and allow your nervous system to regulate itself, is not a sustainable form of connecting with others.
Put yourself out there, connect with others, and then retreat into your introverted cave. It’s all good! It’s self-care.
Strategy 10: Schedule Self Care to Preserve Your Social Battery
Self Care for introverts, empaths, or highly-sensitive individuals is non-negotiable.
I’ve written an entire blog post about 20 self care practices for highly sensitive women. Choosing ANY of the strategies in that post will absolutely save your long-term connection battery.
I like to alternate leaving my comfort zone with lower-stim days when I can infuse self-care into a slower-paced day.
This looks like:
Day 1️⃣: having a function at my kids school where I know I’ll have to put myself out there and
Day 2️⃣: morning journaling (see my free journaling challenge here), spending the day at home, eating simple meals, and limiting external stimuli like TV or loud music.
Building connections with others is key to happiness and even longer lives (thanks, Blue Zone research), but some of us require a little more emotional upkeep to keep the ball rolling.
Learning to Connect with Others and Build Community is 10000% worth it – but it Takes Practice and That’s Ok
Now that we’ve talked about some strategies for how to connect with others, I want to offer one final thought – you are not broken for having to work harder at this than your extroverted friends.
My mom, my husband, and one of my best friends could probably become friends with a rock if they had to. They are that self-assured and charismatic. Meanwhile, I have to plan for how I’m going to not lose my shit after basic social interactions. NEITHER ONE IS GOOD OR BAD.
There are serious benefits to being a deeply sensitive person. Feeling things more deeply does not mean you are broken, it just means you are wired differently and have to take care of yourself differently. 💗 I’m right there with you.
Join the Candlelight Collective and connect in our online community
I am so over social media, aren’t you? I’m tired of the fast-paced scrolling and doomsday messaging. I want to meet people online and connect outside of social media. Which is why I’m here – creating this community.
If you want to hear more about the Candlelight Collective, or you’d like to join my email list, I would love to meet you.
In this community we explore falling in love with our lives (on our terms), building lasting wealth (with zero hustle culture) and finding our individual purposes (using astrology, journaling, and other fun methods). 🔮✨
I hope you stick around!
Xx Bri